


Reader Insert- I've Already Got A Boyfriend, Dumbasses.

by orphan_account



Series: Twisted [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Creepy, Established Relationship, Evil, F/M, Fighting Over a Spoken-For Girl, Non-Consensual Videotaping, Not your typical reader insert, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Stalking, The reader is generally creepy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-27
Updated: 2014-09-27
Packaged: 2018-02-19 00:41:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2367917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a Reader Insert<br/>Your two best friends are Karkat and Sollux. Karkat and you have been friends for ages, and Sollux you met a few years ago at ComputerCon (made-up con). Any time the two of them are in the same room, a fight over you breaks out. You're not even sure why... They never even bother to ask you. This conflict upsets you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reader Insert- I've Already Got A Boyfriend, Dumbasses.

**Author's Note:**

> Edited by my cousin, the girl Naia (you don't know her yet) was based off of. Also the Dangen. Another thing you don't know of yet. *is dropping hints like clock hands* *once did actually drop an hour hand* *never found it again*  
> This is probably really bad... *doesn't know how to work series, plz help?*

"Here you are, [NAME],"said Karkat, jokingly bowing low and offering you a sandwich. You graciously accepted it, bopping him lightly on the head. 

"Thanks." You bit into the [FAVORITE SANDWICH]. 

"It was my pleasure," he replied gravely, barely holding in his laughter. You break his vow of seriousness with a loud guffaw, setting your sandwich on the coffee table as you succumbed to the gales of laughter. Karkat joined you, both in laughter and by sitting on the couch. 

"HEY! Open up, KK! It'th freezing out here!" 

"I'm coming, Sollux!" Karkat yelled. He got up, opening the door. Sollux walked in, sitting down on the couch next to you. He grabbed the TV remote and turned it to a documentary about hacking. 

"HEY! I was sitting there!" yelled Karkat, shoving at Sollux. 

"Too bad. Take the chair. I'm sitting next to [NAME]." Karkat nearly started a fight right there, but just as he was about to yell, Sollux put his hand up and said, "Thtop. TV time." You scooted over, making room for Karkat on the two-seater as Sollux's attention was absorbed by the show. 

Karkat flopped his head back, groaning. "Sollux, you have the most BORING taste in TV shows EVER." 

"You're one to talk, Mithter RomComth," replied Sollux, not even bothering to turn his head. 

Once again, Karkat nearly flipped his shit, but this time you stopped him by stuffing the rest of your sandwich in his mouth. "Shush. Sandwich time." He nearly choked on the [SANDWICH TOPPING]. Yeah. You guys have a weird friendship, but you wouldn't have it any other way. 

Karkat rushed out of the room to cough up the rest of your sandwich, and you picked up a magazine off the table, opening it. "Hm. _Tech Today_. Wonder who's _that_ is." You tossed the magazine back on the table, grabbing _The Alternate Times_.and opening to a random page, beginning to read. 

"'Your Ideal Matesprit,' huh? What, looking for one? 'Cause I'm open." Karkat had returned. 

"Shaddup, I'm just bored. Not my fault you happened to have this edition on your coffee table," you replied, shoving his head away as he sat back down beside you. 

"Bethideth, what maketh you think the'd pick you when _I'm_ here?" asked Sollux, ungluing his eyes from the TV. 

"Maybe because I'M not an asshole?" Karkat shot back. 

"Who you callin' an athhole, athhole?" replied Sollux, standing up. 

"Why you-" Karkat launched himself at Sollux. 

You backed away slowly towards the door, hoping this one wouldn't become a tug-of-war before you got out of there. "I'm just going to leave now..." You yanked open the door, hurrying out. 

\---TIME SKIP BROUGHT TO YOU BY AN ALTERNIAN BUS AND SOME RUNNING--- 

You pulled open the door to your apartment, crashing onto the couch, your chest heaving with previously restrained laughter. You heard a thumping from the hall closet, and John staggered out, doubled over with laughter, as he, too, collapsed on the couch. 

"Finally coming out of the closet, eh, John?" you joked. 

"Shut up, it was your idea to put the spider interface in there," he replied before resuming his laughter. "I can't believe the still actually think they have a chance with you! And way to leave me hanging, stopping him with the sandwich." 

"But don't you agree my inference was spot-on that he'd have a copy of last month's AT on his coffee table?" you asked. "I only did that to test my theory, not to keep you waiting." 

"Liar." 

"Nu-uh!" 

"Totally did it to keep me waiting." 

" _Fine_. I'll admit it. But that wouldn't have even been over me, so it doesn't count anyway." 

You and John had been dating for the last 5 months and, as he seemed to get a kick out of watching Sollux and Karkat fight over you, it remained a secret. You had built tiny "spiders," or cameras that crawled up the walls, setting up in strategic positions for viewing the battles, or remote controlled by John. You used these to record the fights for later viewing with John, as well as so that you could fully appreciate the hilarity of the situation. A couple of guys fighting over a girl without asking her opinion, while she has a secret boyfriend and is recording the fights for later laughs. The control center for these "spiders" was screened by a rack of heavy winter coats and cloaks with enormous pockets that you collected for both screening purposes and because they had the best pockets. The second was your excuse, anyway. 

\---TIME SKIP WITH BAD ENDING BROUGHT TO YOU BY BENNY--- 

\---LITERALLY--- 

  


\---SEE THE PICTURE--- 

_Knock knock knock_

You paused your movie, standing up to answer the door. Opening it to see Karkat, you invited him in. "I was just about to watch a movie." He plopped down on the couch as you restarted it. As you were a few minutes in, you made popcorn while he watched the beginning. 

A few minutes later, Sollux came barging in carrying a 2-liter bottle of Cherry Cola in one hand. "Jutht got a textht from John thaying there'th a movie happening." 

"Yup, but John's not here right now. How'd he know?" replied Karkat, pausing the movie.  


"John works in mysterious ways..." you replied mysteriously, wiggling your eyebrows to go with your theme of mystery _(A/N: Yeah, I could have found better synonyms, but if you say it enough, it becomes funny rather than awkward)_ Karkat just shrugged and grabbed another handful of popcorn. 

"Tho what are we watching?" asked Sollux 

"A new movie, _Metal Heart_. Karkat recommended it." Sollux groaned. 

"Another Romcom?!" 

"Prolly, yeah. But it'll have robots, so it won't be as boring." 

"You do realith that while I may love coding and hacking, I am not a robot fanatic?" 

"Whatever you say, Mr. Stays-Up-All-Night-Writing-Robot-Fanfiction." 

"I DO NOT!" 

"SHHHHHHHH!" shushed Karkat. "This is the one of the best parts!" You and Sollux quieted down, but you, in an attempt at revenge for nothing in particular, took a large swig from the bottle of Coke. 

"HEY!" 

"Sorry, Sol, but I appear to have no cup." 

Sollux got up, fetching you a cup and returning with your husktop as well. 

"GIVE THAT BACK!" 

\---TIME SKIP BROUGHT TO YOU BY SOLLUX'S HACKER SKILLZ AND KARKAT'S USED TISSUES--- 

"*sniffle* That was the most heartbreaking movie I have ever seen!" sobbed Karkat. 

"Booooooring," replied Sollux. 

"YOU TAKE THAT BACK, FUCKASS!" 

"No." Karkat proceeded to attempt murder for Sollux's refusal to like the movie. It took one minute for your shield to break down, and the laughs poured out. Here they were, fighting for the second time that day, in your house, barely 5 feet away from where John was hidden, and not even over you, a rare occurrence, particularly in your house. The irony of the situation was just too much for you to contain. 

As you curled up on the floor, shaking and helpless, thumps could be heard from the closet, and John fell out, sides also shaking with mirth. Sollux and Karkat stared around, confused. 

"Were you... THPYING ON US?!" 

"Yes..." John choked out between laughs. 

"Why the HELL would you spy on us?!" 

"It's just so hilarious, watching you fight, even if it's not over (NAME), when she's already taken." 

"What?!" 

"I've already got a boyfriend, dumbasses, and he just fell out of my closet." 

"...Why wath he in the closet?" 

"Well, I guess the cat's already out of the bag... Or rather, the John out of the closet." John and you both grinned at that one, though, as anticipated, neither Karkat nor Sollux cracked a smile. You stood up, sweeping back your collection of cloaks. "These were never really for their pockets; that was just an added bonus. They're really for hiding this." You revealed the interface, a bank of 8 computers, each connecting to a spider's camera, with separate toggles for each one, and a big red "kill" button, as well as several unlabeled, color coded ones. 

"What the fuck is all this?" 

"Spider controls. Spiders are tiny cameras that I release in any room that the two of you are in together with me, so I can send live feed to John, where he is recording the entire thing for later viewing. They crawl along walls to strategic points where they can film the entire scene, or they can be directly manipulated by John. They have tiny cameras and screens all over them to turn them virtually invisible, and the fact that they are about 3 millimeters long dosen't hurt, either." 

"So you've been filming Sol and I fighting over you, just so you and your secret boyfriend can have something entertaining to watch later?!" 

"Yeah. It's revenge for never bothering to ask me what I wanted, and just assuming I would take either one of you, depending on who won the fight. Not bothering to even ask if I was interested in anyone else, or anything. It was always just 'fight, dominate, win' for you guys. My opinion never mattered, so neither should yours here. 

"Oh..." 

"We have been treating her like the'th jutht a prithe..." 

"And you are just now realizing this... I would say 'You two are more hopeless than I thought,' but this is exactly how I thought this would go." 

"So I guess our friendship is over?" 

"Our friendship was over when you two started treating me like an animal to be won. You may win back my friendship some day, but for now, we're not friends." 

-WHAT A GREAT BAD ENDING- (EDITOR)


End file.
